10 Signs He’s Actually A Jerk In Disguise

By Nick Hadji 8 months ago

1. He insults his exes

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When a guy constantly disrespects and lists all of the people that they caused during their previous relationships, it's time to start questioning whether HE is actually the problem. When a guy disrespectfully talks about his exes it's a sign he's a jerk in disguise. If this is multiple women he blames, then perhaps it's too much of a coincidence that he was always the one who was wronged in the situation.Original content sourced from Femanin.com

2. He gives you the cold shoulder when you aren't available

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You may think he's a super nice guy because he seems to want to spend all of his time with you...and while this can be sweet at first it's also too much and can be overwhelming. And, when he's expecting you to spend all of your time with him and he actually acts off with you when you're not available, perhaps it's time to take off the rose-tinted glasses and realize he's not as nice as you thought.

3. He keeps buying you gifts that you don't really like

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You may be thinking, what's wrong with a guy who keeps buying you gifts that you don't really like? And while this of course could just be an act of kindness combined with a serious lack of judgment, it may also be a complete lack of thought. He may be doing things he knows to look like displays of love to appear as a good boyfriend, whilst not actually caring to put any thought into what you would really like.

4. He says mean things in a 'nice' way

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This is super manipulative because he may say sly or hurtful things to you but pose them in an innocent way 'you took it the wrong way', or 'I was only joking' or 'you're being too sensitive'. But the truth is he knows what he is saying to you is wrong which is the reason he's trying to pretend they weren't so that you believe he isn't intending on being mean and it's just you perceiving it badly!

5. He keeps checking on you

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Being continuously checked on isn't endearing or protective. He's not just concerned about your safety as he might try and tell you. He's checking up on you, he wants to know where you are and who you are with. Not because he's genuinely interested in your day, but because he wants to keep tabs because he's controlling and perhaps doesn't fully trust you!

6. He has poor relationships with other women in his life

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One of the best ways to know whether a guy truly is a nice guy is to see how he treats other women in his life. No good guy is only nice to you and disrespectful to other women. If he treats women in his life in a bad way or he talks down to them then he's a jerk in disguise. If he's super supportive and respectful on the other hand then he probably genuinely is a nice guy.

7. He seems to have a lack of other emotions

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So far all you've really seen of this guy is 'niceness'. But nobody is only nice with no other emotion, it's not humanly possible. Even the nicest people ever have times when they are sad or angry for example. This guy seems unwilling to show any emotion other than this facade of 'niceness' which is making him seem devoid of any natural kind of persona, perhaps because he's hiding an ugly character beneath the surface.

8. He makes disrespectful comments to other people

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The way to figure someone out isn't just to see how they treat you, the person that they're trying to impress and on their best behavior to win over. No, it's to see how they treat everyone for example, out and about in the service industry how do they treat their waiter/waitress?  If they walk past people and make disrespectful comments then he's a jerk.

9. He frequently dismisses you

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Nobody should dismiss you or your feelings, particularly a guy who supposedly cares about you (and probably tells you he does). And when it's a frequent thing he's definitely not the nice guy he's trying to make himself out to be. Otherwise, he'd listen to you and pay attention to your feelings rather than dismissing you and treating you as if he doesn't truly care.

10. He gaslights you

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Gaslighting is past the point of red flag behavior it's the kind of behavior where if it so much happens once it's time to question who this guy even is. If he's using gaslighting behavior and making you question the reality of the situation and making you think you got it wrong then he's most certainly a jerk, no matter how much he tries to disguise it.

11. He interrupts you when he's speaking

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If this has ever happened to you, you'll know how annoying it is. One or twice maybe an accident. Any more than that and it's definitely intentional. When someone frequently interrupts you the only explanation is that they have no time for what you're saying, they don't value your opinion and they don't respect you as a person. Common decency means that you allow somebody their time to speak!

12. You can tell he often isn't properly listening to you

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If you're not actually even listening to somebody then don't even pretend and waste their time. Instead, they should know that you're not worth their time talking to you because you clearly don't value what they have to say. If this guy is pretending to be super nice but can't even do something as small but important as listening to you...then he's really just a jerk.

13. He disguises his controlling behavior as 'protective'

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'I'm just protective of you', 'I don't want anything bad to happen to you', yeah right, more like you are controlling and possessive and a jerk in disguise. You'll notice if he makes comments about what you're wearing or if you are staying out too late if he tries to control how much you drink when you're with your friends or questions your motives!

14. He disregards your boundaries

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If he's stepping all over your boundaries and you've tried telling him and asserting your boundaries (for example, telling him you want some time to yourself) then there really is no question that he's really just a jerk. He can put it anyway he likes and try and make up all the excuses in the world but really it just shows that he cares more about himself and what he wants than respecting your wishes!

15. He's angry if you question his behavior

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So maybe you've had your doubts about this guy. Is he really as nice as he seems? Or at least is he as nice as he tells me he is? You may have noticed a couple of red flags and tried to bring them up and ask him about it. He may have rational explanations, but if he gets angry and denies it or blames it on someone else then you have the answer: he's a jerk.

16. He blames other people for everything

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'Everything is everyone else's fault, it's never mine, somebody else caused it or made me do something'...blah blah, we've heard it all before because we've all experienced these kinds of people. They cannot take any accountability for themselves. And the truth is we all mess up. But then you also have to own up to rectify it! Blaming someone else is just jerky behavior.

17. He pressures you into doing things you're uncomfortable with

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When you say you don't want to do something, no matter what it is, you've given your answer. No. He might ask you to go out with his friends for example and you've said no because you don't feel comfortable. Instead of respecting your decision, he may try and guilt trips you into it or emotionally manipulate you into agreeing to go. If this is the case with your 'Mr. Nice Guy'...he's actually just a jerk.

18. He breaks promises

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Promises are a symbol of trust and when we make promises it's so important to keep them if we can because it shows that we value somebody's trust. Empty promises mean that someone is super shallow and doesn't properly care for you. If this guy is selling you the dream and coming up with little more than a quarter of the bargain then he's not the guy he makes himself out to be at all.

19. He makes a huge fuss of you in public and is sometimes quiet in person

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Have you ever noticed those couples who make a huge show or fuss in public and you suspect they aren't so happy behind closed doors? Or maybe you've been wooed by a guy who in front of other people acted like you were a queen and went out of his way to spoil you. But as soon as nobody was watching he dropped the act as though it was only worth doing if people could witness it.

20. He subtly tries to make you feel inadequate

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When you're with a guy and you're really into him sometimes it's hard to see his true colors. What is an important telltale sign is how you feel within yourself. Has your confidence gone up or down? If it's gone down then perhaps this guy is affecting your self-esteem. Is he making small subtle comments that seem too small to pick up on? This is manipulation and he's not the guy you think he is.

21. His words and actions don't match up

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As the sayings go 'words come cheap' and 'actions speak louder than words', and while words are still super important, actions must at least match up to these worlds. Otherwise, your words are meaningless and they are just empty. If he's telling you these great things and showing you with praise and love but his actions don't prove anything then he may be a jerk in disguise.

22. When he says hurtful things he pretends you misinterpreted him

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He throws out statements that are purposely intended to hurt you and then he'll withdraw it saying that you misinterpreted him entirely. Just to clarify...you didn't. He knows exactly what he's doing. It's a super sneaky way to beat you down and make you feel insecure. So if you were in doubt about whether this guy is nice or a jerk you can be assured in this case he is the latter.

23. He's too jealous

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When our guy gets a little bit jealous about a situation that would rile you up if it were the reverse, it's almost reassuring that he really cares about you. But this is only the case if it's infrequent, and he absolutely doesn't take it out on you or try and change your behavior. If he's too jealous and sees everyone as a threat then and wants you to ignore people or cut people out then it's not ok.

24. He's very concerned about your appearance

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When a guy loves us or even really likes us he appreciated us for who we are. He couldn't care less if you're having a bad hair day or your toenail polish is chipped or you're wearing yesterday's T-shirt! But, when a guy is overly concerned about your appearance and tells you to make an effort then the chances are he's a jerk and he sounds super shallow.

25. He has double standards

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When it comes to what he does and what he wants you to do they're entirely separate. He has an entire rule book of behaviors he likes and doesn't in a relationship yet when it comes to him... none of it even applies. He can stay out till 5AM without getting in contact but if you do the same he's be super angry. he says it's because 'it's different for me', 'I'm a guy'...no you're just a jerk.

26. He plays mind games

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Mind games are confusing and we don't know where we stand with someone who tries to mess with our mind. They are confusing on purpose and if a guy really likes you, he won't do it. In fact, he'll do the opposite and make it perfectly clear that he's into you and that you don't need to worry about all the complexities of playing the game because he just wants you.

27. He can't discuss problems openly

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When it comes to relationships even the best don't come without problems. Having problems isn't the issue in itself, it's not being able to solve these together or come to any kind of compromise to work through them together. If you feel like you can't discuss them because he wants to brush them under the target he may not be emotionally mature enough for a it's!

28. He likes to portray the relationship as 'perfect' when it isn't

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You are fully aware that no relationship is perfect, even yours. Yes, he may be great most of the time and he may seem super nice and sweet the majority of the time but you know there are also times when he's not. But this guy might try and pretend to everyone that it's completely perfect because he's more obsessed with appearances and illusion over reality.

29. He makes romantic gestures that are always public or he tells everyone about it

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He's organized a romantic getaway, it's the perfect trip and he's thought about everything. There are rose petals and candles and it's the kind of romantic gesture you've always dreamed of. But, there's something niggling at you. Instead of being wrapped up at the moment, he was more concerned about plastering it all over social media and telling everyone what a good boyfriend he was!

30. He compares you to other girlfriends

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On no occasion should a guy be comparing you to other girls, period. So if he's talking about his exes or even his friend's girlfriends and comparing them to you, trying to suggest that you're inadequate by comparison then there's no way this guy is good...then sadly he may be a jerk. he may say things like 'she always does this for him or', 'his girlfriend always does nice things for him'.

31. He thinks buying you things means you should be grateful

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Sometimes you get a man who love bombs in order to get you to like him, and while that behavior can soon stop when you're in a relationship, it's very common to also have the guy continue to think that buying gifts equals you needing to give him affection. It's a big red flag that he's a jerk if he buys you gifts in order to have something to make you feel guilty about, rather than because he actually wants to buy you something nice!

32. And he'll bring it up if you argue later

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This is the huge indicator as to whether he's buying gifts just to manipulate your affection. If he bought you a nice gift during a time when everything was nice and fine, you might have an argument months down the line about something and he'll say you're ungrateful because of the time and effort he spends on gifts like what he bought you that one time... etc. etc. Jerk behavior!

33. He keeps track of all the 'nice' things he's done

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In the same vein, he might actually be keeping tabs on every nice thing he's done, ever. Because not only does he want a pat on the back for it, but you bet he's going to use it as ammo if you ever call him out on something, complain about something or have a fallout. You might tell him you feel like you don't spend enough time together and he'll throw back in your face all these 'nice' things he's done for you in the past.

34. He's nice until he's not

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A big jerk red flag is how he behaves when something changes, like a switch being flipped. It might be the first time you have your first small argument, or come up against a challenge in your lives, and it's like his true colors have come out. He's been the perfect boyfriend up to this point, and then suddenly everything changes and you don't know this person.

35. He's completely different with friends and family

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This can be because he doesn't want his friends and family to know how much of a jerk he really is, and a lot of the time it can also be because he's the type of person who would gaslight you. The less people who are aware of his jerky behavior - if he only lets it show with you - the more likely it will be for him to say 'nobody will believe you' or 'nobody else says that so you must be lying'.

36. He tries to call you out in front of other people

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You should never try to embarrass your partner in front of other people, and especially not about personal things that are just between you and them. It's disrespectful and it's a super duper jerk move! So if you're at a party together or a social occasion with friends and family - whether yours or his - it's not good if he starts laughing at something you did, or telling other people something you asked him not to.

37. He's not a huge fan if your career is more successful than his

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Couples should be respectful and supportive of each other's careers, and a win for one person is a win for the team! But with him, he might act sulky if there's anything better in your job than there is in his. This can be a sign of insecurity and competitiveness. It doesn't matter if it's something really small, like your boss saying you're doing a great job - if his boss hasn't told him he's doing great, he's going to be annoyed about your win if he's a jerk!

38. If he does 1% of the chores he'll still throw that in your face

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The household chores are a HUGE source of fights for couples, and it all depends how you want to share them out. 50/50 is the obvious choice but sometimes people prefer to dish it out their own way. If you're in a situation where you're doing pretty much everything and he's only doing something small, you best believe he's going to hold onto that and make you feel bad even though you're the one doing everything else!

39. He changed after you got more intimate

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This isn't to say that he was only after you for physical intimacy, but jerk behavior can be that they're less affectionate or pay less attention to you after you've crossed that next step of being physical together. So he could have been the perfect boyfriend before you had s*x, and now he's just a lukewarm boyfriend at best who takes less interest in your life.

40. You're something to be ticked off a list

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A lot of people - namely jerks and a lot of the time, narcissists - will see life goals as status symbols to be ticked off on a list. They might even physically keep a list they've wrote. This could be 'get promotion', 'buy a house', 'get a girlfriend'. And it's a jerk move if he succeeded in getting you but now you're 'ticked off', he's not invested in giving you the affection and attention he was giving you when you were dating.

41. You noticed he said some white lies during your early dates

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We've all been in that position why we might tell a small, white lie during early dates because we don't want to reveal our full chaotic self yet, or maybe just to try and connect and show interest. But it can be a sign of jerk behavior if things are starting to unravel now you've gotten serious, like you remember he said a ton of things during his dates that now he's saying are actually not true or don't match his actions whatsoever.

42. You've noticed strange comments from friends

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You might have been hanging out with him at a party or friend meetup and one of his friends just drops an offhand comment about something he used to do, something he once said, something he did to his ex... and it makes you feel strange. You should trust your gut, and it might be a red flag of how he's behaved like a jerk in the past - and might still be one!

43. Or even from family members!

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It's less likely for his family members to say anything as obvious as this, because you likely won't get his mom or dad saying (or maybe even knowing) anything jerky he did with an ex. Which means it's even more of a red flag if they do actually say something! All it takes is for his mom to say that she's glad he's being less of an idiot with you compared to his last girlfriend, and it might set your cogs whirring...

44. He's had A LOT of relationships

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It doesn't really bode well when someone has a track record of a lot of failed relationships, because you have to wonder why he didn't succeed! Was he being so much of a jerk to past partners that they ended up breaking up with him? Sure, it might not have been his fault, but it's much more likely he's the jerk than he's the good guy with a huge pattern of jerky partners.

45. You feel on edge 99% of the time

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You might not be able to put your finger on why, you just know that when you should feel happy and content in the relationship, something just feels... amiss. This could be because you're already starting to realize deep down he might be a jerk because of all these little things he's been doing. Or maybe he's just starting to give off jerky vibes that make you feel uncomfortable to be around him.

46. It's more bad than good

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You shouldn't ever really tally up or keep score of the good or bad of a relationship, because every one has its ups and downs, but if you've started to doubt things, you may have realized that if you actually did sit down and write the good and the bad, the good column would have one point in it and the bad would have a million. Is this because he's a jerk?

47. His behavior is starting to bore you

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Jerky behavior can get very boring very fast, when you're someone looking for a mature relationship with someone taking it seriously. So if you've noticed you've started to get the ick, this could be because his jerkiness is starting to come out and suddenly this type of behavior is really irking on you. You might get more and more bored in his company because you can't be bothered to deal with it!

48. His goals are more important than yours

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People have their individual goals in relationships, and they should be equally respected. Sure, there might be times when one of your goals to get a better job is more important than say, the goal to eat less take out during the week, but ultimately, you should share your goals as a team. But no matter what, he's making it clear he thinks his goals are more important than yours.

49. He isn't willing to communicate

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There's a difference between a guy who struggles to communicate despite his best efforts, and one who point blank refuses to do so. Refusing to communicate for the sake of a healthy and happy relationship - and still refusing to do so when you've openly said that you need him to communicate and that you're struggling - is big time jerky behavior!

50. You feel like you're his mom

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This has to be the worst thing in a relationship when you've realized you're more like his mom than his partner. You pick up after him, do his dirty laundry, ask him to do things around the house, have to constantly remind him about things and tell him to take responsibilities seriously... it takes a real jerk to let his partner do that without questioning why it's unhealthy.